The Identity I call my double life

by Anonymous

 

Whenever I would be introduced to my parents’ friends, somewhere‑-usually about two lines in they would mention "wow, you’re tall". I would politely agree as they continued to examine me and wonder how at all I resemble my mother’s genetics. “Tall and strong” my mum would call me on a regular basis, something that my dad corresponded to, a way which I felt but not all the time. I was brought up living a double life. On an everyday basis, I felt large compared to everyday people, but when I took a step into the sporting circle I was known as the small one with skinny legs and no muscle.

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My younger self would have never of guessed that this double life would continue as I decided to move across the globe from my small home country of New Zealand to row at UVA in America. Here, I would continue to live the double life in the new country. At UVA, I would live up to the label of a “student athlete,” which is stuck to my forehead whilst I find my way within a new team of people.

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Before I came to UVA, I was just too excited to start university and start something new that I never thought of the small things that, now being here for almost a year, are really important to me. These questions being: who am I? Why am I here? And who do I want to become? When I lived in New Zealand, these thoughts never crossed my mind. I had a good balance; rowing was something that I did and put a lot of time and effort into but never was it my whole life. At any point, if I wasn’t doing what I wanted I could stop (with justification) and my parents would support that. I had friends in and out of sports but made sure that I kept a heathy balance between the two. My non-sports friends would never quite understand why I row and I would never completely understand their way of life either. But we left it at that and got on with what we needed to do, had fun, and enjoyed each other’s company. It’s something about the way of life in New Zealand; people are pretty relaxed and don’t take life too seriously, letting the big picture speak for itself rather than fast tracking and putting pressure on the end result.

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Since moving to UVA I have thought a lot about my identity and who I am here. “The girl with the funny accent”; “The girl always struggling to stay awake in class” the “tall & strong”girl.” I begin to think is this all I am and who I have become: my sport shapes my personality. Being an athlete at UVA comes with many advantages and priorities. But it also comes with a huge assumption on who you are as a person. 

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Unlike home, I have found there to be many groups in America. You are defined by your ethnicity, your sport, or your academic ability, and your appearance. This is amplified at UVA compared to universities at home, something that I would never imagine happening. It is shown in my size, my clothes, and the backpack I carry around. Before I begin to show any form of social compatibility, I am judged externally every day. It’s the label that has been created for me. We are identified and categorized as these people at such a young age before we even know who we truly are ourselves.  

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When the 11th and 12th of August rolled around, I stood with my mum in a hotel lobby in LA with our mouths wide open. How could such a thing happen? “It must be a different place” I said to mum with confidence as I reassured her that when I had come over for my official visit “it felt like a safe and nice place—nothing of the sort would happen there”. We continued to try and understand what was has gone and is going on, still not quite getting to grips with the entire situation. Speaking to friends in the UVA community helped me feel confident to continue our trip across the country for me to begin college. 

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The first semester at UVA was a big adaption for me with school, rowing, and general life. I started to understand the situation more and more; we talked about it in our classes and dorms. But iIt wasn’t the talking about it between my peers that facilitated my understanding about what was really going on.  It was looking around and noticing people’s social movements into these groups that we form. This is something that I had never thought about at home and just naively thought that we are in these friend groups because we liked the people. But what actually places us in these social groups? It seems like a silent topic nobody talks about. Perhaps it is our appearance, or perhaps it is our upbringing. I begin to think why had never noticed the groups at home;,sure we have people of different races and people who participate in different activities, but is it what we do or our appearance that shapes who we are? With the diversity at UVA and the many people that shape our community, it is obvious that you have to be a part of something or have a certain genetic look to place you in these groups who we so-call our “people”. I’ve started to wonder who my people really are. At home they were never really the rowers but my regular friends. I began to think whether I will find “people” beyond my group or is this my group here?

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The actions on the 11th/12th of August were about groups. Groups with hate and groups with anger. Groups that don’t understand each other. Groups that contain people who never understand other people. I never would think of myself as racist; I would never place someone in a group and not treat them as an individual. But the details are so subtle. Being a white international student athlete, I feel the subtle senses of neglect and ignorance from people on a daily basis. I know that the students in these subgroups of color and race must feel it in a magnified way. I could not have imagined attending a school that has had the demonstration of hate of your certain group right here on our campus, somewhere we are to call home. That shows a lot about the hope people hold and strength they carry to maintain a positive attitude to fight back against racism. 

I have learned a lot about myself and others from being at UVA. Day in and day out,I watch my one and only African American teammate come to practice and show some serious natural strength, which puts our prominently white team in awe. We don’t treat her any differently because she isn’t and should never feel that way. But I’m sure she does. Throughout the course of the year, I have watched her make friends outside of the rowing team with other African Americans, yet she is in the exactly same team.I know that deep down we will never be her “real people”. I have an understanding of how she feels. I have great friends in America, but there is something so different about being around people who are the same as you. I will never find the same connection with Americans that I have with my friends in New Zealand. This is natural and is the way as humans we categorize ourselves by our background / ethnicity. 

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We are in a world with so many people who come from many different walks of life; we all carry different opinions and different attitudes towards certain things in life. But we are all human on the inside and hold humane values deep down even if we don’t display it on the outside. We all need and have a group to call home—people who we associate with and feel a sense of family towards. These groups that we are in paint a picture of who we are, but it is important to not place someone in a category and not individually regard them. We are all different, and a group will never completely describe who we are as a person. For me, I have begun to except what I am doing at UVA and being part of a program and team that is so much bigger than myself. I will continue to find my identity is in both countries. My double life is something that only I will ever completely understand, but I believe we all live a double life in some way or the other. Being part of a group or team is so powerful and can be extremely forceful, but it is only when all the groups unite as one team together that the strength of love will surround our world. 

 

Authors Note

My motive is to provide a unique and thoughtful perspective first hand from what I have witnessed both at UVA and back at home in New Zealand. Comparing and contrasting the double life I live between the two countries. This essay is primarily about groups and how we are categorized as individuals into groups. Whether it is by color, ethnicity, success, socially, sport the groups are apparent, this is something that I have been weary of moving to the US and something I continue to find my identity within. I am trying to start conversations between people about these groups that are uncontrollably formed and get people to start thinking about judging one as the person they are rather than the group they are associated to. I believe this would help to cure many of the hate problems we have in this world. 

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When I began to write this paper I originally wrote a completely different draft. The draft was timeline focused and followed the time line of my upcoming events before moving to Charlottesville. When I went back to review what I had written I realized that I was not getting my point across in an effective way. I started writing and continued on a roll. This technique really helped me speak from my heart and what I felt rather than being strict within a structure. I believe that my paper follows an effective structure and includes good real-life examples which makes it all the more current and real. 

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Opening Up for Conversation

 

Exploring race and racism in America has been an extremely interesting topic. The academic readings which we read lead to me gaining a better knowledge and understanding of the topic from people’s reactions, feelings and experiences. In saying that, I have found some of the pieces to be repetitive and mostly about people’s issues in the topic;,rarely do we come to a conclusion on what to do to move forward and change. However, In a one hour interview between Bill Moyers and Junot Díaz who is a Dominican writer and professor known as the man “for starting conversations that some folks would rather not have” (Moyers 1) he starts the overdue conversation that we must have to rise from racism. Although, the interview on Moyers & Co is set five5years ago, Diaz’s words have never been so relevant for today’s society. He speaks to our current issues and provides ways we can “rewrite the story of America” (Moyers 1). I believe this conversation is something worth analyzing because of the different approach Diaz takes with his ideas. On another hand, I will look into the personal piece titled “Letter to my Son” by Ta-nehisi Coates who is an American author, writer and educator. He expresses the outlook of a black male living in today’s America. I look at coming to terms with both pieces, understanding their motive and analyzing where they choose to provide answers or solutions on how we are going to take a leap into the overdue movement of putting an end to racism. 

 

Something that struck me the most about Junot Díaz was his way of addressing the racial problems that are visible in America but then being able to provide answers. He is speaking as a leader, a leader of change. The tone of this interview is very focused on moving forward and what are we going to do. He moves past the issues that we have and looks forward to answers. Being on a national television channel, he speaks with calm confidence giving us not exactly what we want to hear but what we need to hear and he is very clear about that. “I don’t think as a country we are in a place to talk about race at a collective level… we need to start these conversations”. What Junot is referring to is that as a country we are in a place to vote for a black president, but we are not in a place to talk about race. He addresses that the way we are going to fix the racial problem and segregation is by starting these conversations as a society.  By coming to terms with who we are individually, treasuring that as a nation and accepting others differences is the way we can move forward together. But first of all, we need to start talking and there has to be someone of power to lead that. What Junot Diaz is saying is so relevant today; these conversations haven’t been started, and people need a base as a talking point to start these conversations. Junot Diaz, who has been a teacher for twenty years, has had so much experience with the new generation and their mind sets going into adulthood. I believe this is the motive for his speech. He is stating what he has seen and what needs to change. This ties in with the tone, as he is on television and many people will listen to what he is saying he makes sure that he provides something for people to take away. “I challenge you to say white as much as your say African American or Asian… we don’t do it enough” (Diaz 4). He says, “I don’t think there is anything wrong with identifying people by race” (Diaz 4).  By coming to terms with who we are is just like saying, “you’ve got hands” and there’s nothing wrong about that. In today’s world, this is so relevant as we still are not confident stating someone by their race but at the end of the day that is their identity and who there are so we need to be more comfortable using these words. 

 

By the two titled quotes from the different pieces: Junot Diaz’s “Rewriting the story of America” and Ta-nehisi Coates’ “Here is what I would like you to know: in America it is traditional to destroy the black body--it is heritage” you can see that they are two very different pieces. Coates speaks back to his experiences as a black man and what he has had to go through. His motivation for this piece is to educate his son about the world that he is going to face and what he himself will to go through. This is a very personal piece so the tone of his writing is extremely subjective to his own feelings as he feels comfortable speaking from his heart to his own son. The setting and occasion is quite than Díaz's interview with Moyers.  Coates has been known to say that he can’t believe that so many people especially white people read his writing. I think that him saying this expresses that he is mainly speaking to people of color and this is something that gives him comfort and confidence to speak his feelings and mind. The fact that he is writing to his son also gives him a clear audience to speak to and give advice to. In context, Coates is an example of what Díaz is speaking back to.  Coates admits to living his life in constant fear for his body and safety. Coates describes racism as a visceral experience. He says, “’[y]ou must always remember that the sociology, the history, the economics, the graphs, the charts the regression all land, with great violence, upon the body. And should one live in such a body? I have tried to find this answer my whole life” (Coates 5). In Coates piece, you can see that he is not justifying the racism he has faced with the history of America and not necessarily giving solutions and ways to move forward, and this is where Diaz comes in. 

 

What are we going to do moving forward? After reading Coates piece and being educated first hand from someone who has faced and still faces racial problems “for so long I’ve wanted to escape the dream and fold my country over my head like a blanket” (Coates 3). It is obvious that something needs to change, but throughout Coates piece he is not expressing any form of solution or remedy and validating the problem with history “the answer is American history” (Coates 2). The reason I found Díaz’s interview so refreshing was because finally somebody had the courage to stand up and say we need change. Although this interview was a while ago, he speaks to our current moment in time in almost more relevance than the actual year he is in. As people, it starts with coming to terms with who you are and owning it as Diaz says, “I am a white person, I am a person of color. But this is me” (Díaz 2). Diaz is a huge activist for change and the power that can be created from a nation coming together and changing. It doesn’t take one person to say it or one to do it but all of us together, first of all understanding who we are as people and then working to understand others. Diaz says that we have had communities that have had to sacrifice. Coates is an example of one of those who have sacrificed. But in the direction that the two pieces are going and how they are so different, comes down to Coates accepting that it is the history and it will never change and Díaz clearly stating, that this has happened and sacrifice has happened but what are we going to do now? Not to forget about the past but move on from the past, we spend so much time dwelling on what has been and not looking straight in front and working on what could be. 

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The solutions in which Díaz presents starts with the conversations in which he encourages us to start. “Lets start talking to each other like we are in the same country” (Díaz 3). Diaz talks very honestly and lays down a very important point that he believes racism is the same as white supremacy, but no one calls it that because they will be attacked. He is giving great points on how we are going to move forward, but first we have to know where we are. Saying if your white or black is like saying, “I have an arm”. But we never say the word “white” as much as we say Asian or African American, and why not? We as a community we need to be honest with ourselves and open the floor up for these conversations. I agree with Junot in this regard. It’s very well moving on from racism, but first we need to state who we are as individuals and once we can publically isolate the problem, I do believe we will all be on the same page. Coates asks in his piece “why should one live in such a body? […] the question is unanswerable”. The fact that people of color are feeling this way is upsetting. But I don’t believe that racism (the question) is unanswerable. I do though believe that it hasn’t been answered, it is well over due that we come to a solution and work it out as a country. Diaz is speaking to the silences and starting the conversations among us which I believe is a step in the right direction and something that needs to be done, if we are ever going to move on. 

 

From these two very different pieces, it gave me the whole picture. We have two very different writers and activists which speak in completely different settings but are giving the public something to take from their pieces. They are giving us a platform to start conversations. Coates’s piece is a much different tone and setting, he is more personal in the way he is talking and speaks from own personal experiences. In his piece, he comes to terms and accepts the fact that this is the history and there is no answer or solution to change that. In Junot Diaz’s interview, he talks to a wide variety of issues, but he is talking to the silence that nobody speaks in. His ability to be unique and speak up where necessary is something that is so important for us moving forward. The only way we are going to move past racism is understanding what it is and who we are as individuals first. In conclusion, I speak from Diaz’s words and I challenge you to treat everyone as individuals but for who they are, speak to the silences and start these conversations about race. Then and only then we will ever begin to move on. 

 

 

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